Self-Sabotage: A Nervous System Lens
We’ve all been there, putting off the job application for weeks, ghosting someone just as things start to feel meaningful, or saying yes to everything until we crash. These can all be forms of self-sabotage - when our behaviours and/or thought patterns unconsciously get in the way of what we want.
It’s not because we’re lazy or flaky. It’s often because our brain and body are trying to protect us.
What Drives Self-Sabotage?
At the core of most self-sabotaging behaviours are two major drivers: fear and stress. These emotional states activate a deeper system in our body called the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS).
Let’s break it down.
a. The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)
The ANS controls involuntary functions, such as heart rate and digestion. It has two key branches:
Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS) – the "fight, flight or freeze" system
Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) – the "rest and digest" system
When your brain senses a threat, whether emotional, such as potential rejection or failure, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) responds, you may feel anxious, on edge, avoidant, or shut down.
On the other hand, when you feel safe, grounded, and connected, the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) is active. That’s when you’re most creative, open, and able to take healthy risks.
b. Fear, Stress & Self-Sabotage
The nervous system doesn’t always distinguish between real danger and perceived emotional threats.
For example:
Fear of failure → SNS activates → you procrastinate
Fear of judgment → SNS activates → you people-please
Fear of rejection → SNS activates → you avoid or withdraw
Let’s say you want to start dating again. You may desire connection, but if your nervous system senses potential rejection, it triggers a protective response. You ignore messages, avoid dating apps, and tell yourself you’re “just not ready” - even though part of you is. It’s biological.
Your nervous system prioritises short-term safety over long-term growth. It’s wired to focus on what feels risky right now, even if that risk could lead to something meaningful later.
Why Are We Like This?
Humans have a negativity bias — we’re naturally more sensitive to bad outcomes than good ones.
Research suggests it can take five positive experiences to neutralise the emotional impact of one negative one.
Cetas Psychology’s Yum-Yuck Theory
Let’s try a visual example.
Picture an ice cream cone - yum, right? RIGHT?!
Now, imagine a cockroach on top. Suddenly, yuck.
That image might stick with you for a while. Next time you see ice cream, you might even think of the cockroach.
The point is, Yum things can turn yuck very quickly. But the reverse? Not so fast, not so easy.
Turning a "yuck" into a "yum" - especially when it comes to emotional safety - takes time, practice, and patience.
Tip Out Of Sabotage Mode A Little: TIP Strategy
To stop self-sabotaging, we first need to calm the nervous system. That means transitioning from SNS (stress) to PNS (parasympathetic nervous system, or safety). One simple, evidence-based way to do this is using
TIP strategies:
T – Temperature: Use cold water or ice to lower your body temperature slightly and signal calm.
I – Intense exercise: A burst of cardio can reset your nervous system.
P – Paced breathing: Controlled breathing slows your heart rate and re-engages your thinking brain. (Our favourite)
Paced Breathing Practice:
Try this when you feel avoidant, overwhelmed, or stuck.
Inhale – eyes open
Exhale – eyes closed
Repeat 10 times, counting down from 10 to 1
Then count back up from 1 to 10, if needed
This simple practice brings your attention to the present and helps your body feel safe enough to engage your rational, thoughtful self - the part of you that wants to apply for the job, respond to the message, or take that next brave step.
Finally…
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re incapable or broken - it often means you’re trying to protect yourself.
Next time you feel stuck, ask yourself:
What am I afraid of right now?
What’s one thing I could do to soothe my nervous system?
What part of this feels validating or new for me?
With time and support, you can move from fear to freedom - one small, self-compassionate step at a time.
