When Your Mother Is Your Bully: A Pain That Many Daughters Carry

As a clinical psychologist, one theme that comes up often in therapy, especially with women, is the complicated, painful, and frequently confusing relationship they have with their mothers.

Many clients come in talking about the pressure they feel from their mother around things like:

• School or how they study

• Who they date (or don't date)

• The job they chose (or didn’t choose)

• Their appearance, weight, or how they dress

• How they express their emotions, set boundaries, or make decisions

At first, these comments may be brushed off as “just how she is” [mum]. But over time, patterns may emerge- ones that are emotionally damaging and hard to shake. When your mother constantly criticises, invalidates, or controls you, it can start to feel like she's not just your parent- she's your bully.

What Does It Mean When Your Mother Acts Like a Bully?

Bullying from a parent doesn’t always look loud or aggressive. In fact, it’s often quiet, consistent, and emotionally confusing. It might sound like:

• “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”

• “You’re too picky, so you’re still single.”

• “You should wear makeup and do your hair, you'd look more polished.”

• “Your cousin is doing so well - why aren’t you applying yourself like that?”

• “No one’s going to hire you looking like that.”

These messages may come across as concern or advice. But if they happen repeatedly and leave you feeling inadequate, anxious, or emotionally unsafe, they cross into bullying territory.

Common Behaviour Patterns

Some common bullying-like behaviours from mothers include:

• Chronic criticism (even for small things)

• Comparisons to others (especially siblings or peers)

• Guilt-tripping or silent treatment

• Micromanaging decisions around career, dating, money, or appearance

• Dismissal of your feelings as overreactions or weakness

These patterns often start in adolescence and continue into adulthood, long past the point where parental approval should dictate your life.

What It Feels Like

1. Confusion

You may wonder, Is this really that bad? That confusion is common when emotional harm comes from someone society tells us we’re supposed to honour and love unconditionally.

2. Guilt

Many clients tell me they feel “ungrateful” or “like a bad daughter” for even admitting they feel hurt by their mother. But guilt doesn’t mean your pain isn’t valid.

3. Low Self-Esteem

Repeated criticism from someone so close can shape your self-worth. You may begin to believe that you’re not good enough - no matter how much you achieve or change.

4. People Pleasing

When love felt conditional growing up, many people learn to anticipate others’ needs, stay small, and avoid conflict - even if it means betraying themselves.

5. Shame and Silence

There’s often a deep sense of shame in admitting that your mother is the person who hurts you most. Many clients have never spoken about this before coming to therapy.

Why It Hurts So Much

The mother-daughter relationship is foundational. When love is mixed with pressure, fear, or criticism, it creates a confusing emotional blueprint. You may find yourself constantly seeking approval while resenting the control- or grieving the nurturing relationship you never had.

This isn’t about blame - it’s about acknowledging emotional harm so that healing can begin.

What Healing Can Look Like

You can care about your mother and still acknowledge the pain she’s caused.

Here’s how we begin to work through this in therapy:

• Naming the behaviour: Recognising the pattern is the first step toward changing how you relate to it.

• Setting boundaries: Not all boundaries are harsh or final—some are small and powerful.

• Reclaiming self-worth: You learn to speak to yourself in kinder, more compassionate ways.

• Letting go of the need for approval: Healing often includes learning to validate yourself, even when she doesn’t.

• Allowing grief: There may be sadness in realising your mother isn’t who you hoped she would be - and that grief is valid.

Final Words

If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. I’ve sat with many women in the therapy room who carry the weight of this exact experience. The wounds left by emotionally unsafe or bullying parental relationships are real, and healing is possible, even if your mother never changes.

You deserve to feel safe in your own mind and body. You deserve to live without shrinking, apologising, or constantly questioning your worth.

Need Support?

At Cetas Psychology, we support women navigating complex family dynamics, self-esteem issues, and relationship stress. Whether you’re just starting to name what’s happening or already working on healing, therapy can help you find clarity, self-compassion, and emotional freedom.

Nishie Govender - Clinical Psychologist