Feeling Anxious in Your Relationship? Strategies That Can Help…
Relationships can be a source of deep connection, but for many people, they can also bring out intense anxiety, emotional reactivity, or a fear of abandonment. If you often feel like you’re walking on eggshells, over-apologising, or constantly seeking reassurance, you may be experiencing patterns associated with an anxious attachment style. I know, you probably already knew that, didn't you?
Here’s how psychology-based strategies can support you to understand these patterns, set clearer boundaries, and reconnect with your self-worth.
Understanding the Cycle: What Triggers Your Relationship Anxiety?
When your partner withdraws, goes quiet, or avoids talking about issues, it can trigger a wave of insecurity. You might:
Over-analyse what you said or did
Try to “fix” things quickly and constantly by apologising (even when you haven’t done anything wrong)
Feel emotionally overwhelmed or “not enough”.
Panic and cycle endlessly in a self-critical loop.
Sometimes, it is referred to as a protest behaviour cycle—a pattern where emotional intensity builds in response to perceived disconnection. Understanding this cycle is the first step to changing it.
1. Ground Yourself First, Before Reacting
When emotions spike, pause. Before reaching out to your partner or reacting out of fear, try:
Paced breathing (inhale 4 seconds, exhale 6)
Grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique
Adjust your internal dialogue, saying internally: “I feel anxious, but I am safe right now.”
Give it no airtime at all. Temporarily push aside any thoughts related to your relationship.
This helps you shift from reacting impulsively to responding with clarity.
2. Use Internal Reassurance, Not Just External Validation
Many people with anxious attachment rely heavily on their partner’s reassurance. While wanting closeness is natural, your sense of self-worth shouldn’t depend on someone else’s availability.
Try repeating these psychologist-backed statements:
“Their silence, negative language and behaviour doesn’t mean I’m unlovable.”
“I can sit with discomfort and still take care of myself.”
“My needs are valid, even if they feel inconvenient to others.”
3. Track and Interrupt Unhelpful Patterns
Take time to journal or reflect:
What triggers your emotional reactions?
What do you tend to do when you feel disconnected?
How does your partner respond to that?
This builds insight and can help you find a new path forward - one based on mutual respect rather than emotional chasing or withdrawal.
4. Clarify Who You Want To Be in a Relationship
For example:
What do I need to feel emotionally safe in a relationship?
What values do I want in a long-term partnership?
Am I constantly compromising those needs to maintain peace?
5. Boundaries Are Loving You (Not Punishing Others)
Setting a boundary is not about control; it’s about protecting your emotional safety. For example:
“If we’re having a conflict, I need us to talk about it rather than ignore each other.”
“I’m open to repair, but not if honesty isn’t part of that process.”
Boundaries without consequences are just suggestions. Part of healing anxious attachment is following through on the limits you set, even when it’s uncomfortable.
6. Learn to Communicate Without Over-Explaining
If you tend to talk around your feelings or soften your message to avoid conflict, practice:
“I feel disconnected and would like to reconnect - when are you available to talk?”
“I understand you need space, but I also need a plan to come back to this conversation.”
Practising this with a therapist or in front of a mirror can increase confidence and reduce emotional reactivity.
7. Rebuild Your Sense of Self Outside the Relationship
Reclaim time for yourself through:
Solo activities or hobbies
Meaningful connections with friends
Journaling from the voice of your “confident self”
Self-worth isn’t about being perfectly regulated. It’s about knowing who you are even when someone else pulls away.
