Why We Stay in Relationships: The Gambling Fallacy Explained

Why do we sometimes hold on to relationships long after they've stopped being fulfilling or safe? Psychology offers many explanations, from attachment styles to fear of abandonment. However, one particularly fascinating, and surprisingly common —reason is what we call the “gambling fallacy” or the “sunk cost fallacy.”

The Link Between Gambling and Relationships

Let’s start with gambling.

Imagine someone sitting at a slot machine. They've already spent hundreds of dollars, chasing a win. Logically, they know there’s no guarantee the next spin will pay off, but they can’t walk away. They might think, “I’ve come this far, maybe the next try will be the one.”

Now apply this to a relationship. You’ve invested months or even years of emotional energy, effort, and hope. It’s not working, but it feels impossible to let go. You find yourself thinking, “Maybe things will get better soon,” or “I’ve already put so much into this. It can’t all be for nothing.”

This is an example of the sunk cost fallacy in action.

What Is the Sunk Cost Fallacy?

In psychology, the sunk cost fallacy refers to our tendency to continue a behaviour or endeavour once we've invested time, money, or effort, regardless of whether the current costs outweigh the benefits.

We see this in business decisions, gambling, and yes, even in love.

The fallacy tricks us into believing that leaving would mean all the effort we’ve put in was wasted. However, staying, even when it hurts us, only leads to further emotional costs.

Why This Happens in Relationships

Here are some common psychological drivers that make us more susceptible to this pattern:

1. Hope for Change

We cling to the belief that our partner will change, that things will go back to how they were in the beginning. Hope isn't a bad thing, but when it delays our wellbeing, it becomes risky.

2. Fear of Regret

Like gamblers afraid of walking away just before the jackpot, we worry we’ll regret leaving too soon. “What if I just needed to hold on a bit longer?”

3. Social and Emotional Investment

Shared memories, mutual friends, even finances or children - these connections make it feel “too complicated” to leave, even when we're no longer happy.

4. Low Self-Worth

Sometimes, we stay because we’ve internalised a belief that we don’t deserve better or fear we won’t find someone else. That voice says, “This is the best you can get.” It’s not true, but it feels genuine.

So, What Can You Do?

Awareness is the first step. Recognising the patterns that keep you stuck allows you to make decisions based on the present, not on past investments or false hope.

Here are a few tips:

• Reflect on what you're actually getting from the relationship today.

• Talk to a psychologist about what makes it difficult to let go.

• Challenge your thoughts: Are you staying because you believe something will change, or because you’re afraid to leave?

• Get support: Friends, family, or a professional can help you gain perspective.

Final Thoughts

Staying in a relationship because of what you’ve already put in is like throwing more coins into a slot machine that hasn’t paid out in ages. You’re hoping that if you just keep going, it’ll be worth it.

But you deserve a relationship that gives back now, not just one you keep investing in with no return.